En jaksa kääntää koko tekstiä, joten pähkinänkuoressa: olen fyysisesti, henkisesti ja teknisesti hetken aikaa vikasietotilassa. 🙂
I need to catch my breath.
Like, for the rest of the month. For the rest of the year. For a millenium.
Few weeks ago my faithful mid-2011 Macbook Air finally began to die on me. During these weeks the technical issues have been piling up, and I’ve been trying to fix them most of this week.
So, equipment-wise it’s not looking bright right now, both figuratively and literally. Figuratively, because I must have an external keyboard connected and the laptop needs to be connected to a power source all the time. Literally it’s not looking bright, since the screen is broken as well. The image often kinda freezes, making it impossible to work until the problem disappears for a while.
Each and every time after I’ve conquered all these challenges, it’s time to start up the damn thing. Except that it won’t even start up properly. The operating system (macOS X El Capitan) has somehow gotten corrupted, since everything functions extremely slow. I’m not used to washing all the dishes while waiting for an app to open.
As I’m typing this, I’ve just spent hours and hours trying to reinstall the operating system – surprise, surprise, all in vain due to an error.
After I solve one issue, another one pops up in no time. This means that for the time being, I have to manage with having the limited ’Safe Mode’ turned on my laptop. I also have to accept the reality that I don’t have a ”laptop” right now. And if you know me, you know what an catastrophe that is… me without my laptop has been pretty much an unseen sight since the beginning of the 2010’s.
I do have two desktop PCs, but they don’t have all the software I need for work. Plus they cannot connect to the Internet at the moment, since neither one of them supports Wi-Fi.
What a mess. But strangely enough, it’s actually the perfect timing for this. Let me tell you just why.
Mental Safe Mode: ON
Last weekend’s UFC event featured Diego ”Nightmare” Sanchez fighting Matt ”The Immortal” Brown. Brown knocked Sanchez out with an elbow from hell in the first. Congratulations to ”The Immortal” and mad respect for Sanchez, as he is a living legend and a true veteran of the sport. But he’s long past his prime and he should simply retire. Or, at least he shouldn’t be put against killers like Brown anymore.
Diego Sanchez is a perfect example of a declining fighter being too tough for his own good. I’ve just witnessed the severity of sudden brain trauma myself and let me tell you, it’s not something you want to mess with.
That fight made me think of work ethic, and my own stubborness. When it comes to work (if I’m all dedicated ’n’ stuff), my body fails physically WAY before my mind. I can record screaming extreme metal vocals or do coding for 72 hours straight, without sleep, pauses, or even food. I do have to clarify, that this feature of mine doesn’t (yet) include working out, and I don’t know anything about the persistence required for cage fighting to begin with. But I really DO know about not knowing when to stop, even after your physique tells you to. Even my equipment seems to quit before my mind will, for heaven’s sake!
I used to be proud of this ”workhorse” part of my personality, but not so much anymore.
Since I can’t even try to work efficiently at the moment, this is where I need to throw my hands up in the air. Just stop. To be honest, I’m not sure if I my mind could keep it together this time, either; after doing a little bit of work, I’ve began seeing spots again and I have also many other physical / psychosomatic symptoms of being extremely stressed out. If I continue like this, the wheels are soon going to fall off and I’m gonna drive straight into the wall of exhaustion – and avoiding that is my absolute number one priority and responsibility.
However it may sound, this ”sacrifice” was required in order for me to get things where they now are. I’m about to start manoeuvring my self-created, semi-virtual and seven-pointed media factory-esque ”KARHUNEN, INC.” warship, documenting all sorts of weirdness from supplying illegal drugs to parents of severely ill children to performing on metal music festivals and embarking on a masochistic crusade in cage fighting.
But I have to follow my own advice: take an objective look at things, and change your habits. Evolve. Improve. It’s just that I’ve been living so hectic lately, that I’m still not realizing the situation: the absolutely herculean groundwork for the next chapter regarding LOHARI.NET and KANNABISLIITTO.COM is done.
My brain and body are telling me: ”Stop, Tuomas, stop. The insane working schedule is over. Now it’s time to create those damn routines and balance you’re so desperately striving for.” But (especially unsustainable) habits die hard, my brain keeps telling me: ”You horse-headed coward, how dare you even think about giving up on doing more? Giving up on something, are you now a quitter? You can keep this pace, we both know you can.”
Shut your pie hole, mr. Cerebrum. Now it’s time for a screeching halt, and even celebrating a little. And then immediately entering the next phase. I just need a moment to take it easy, and to get the technical part of my workflow flowing asap, and I’m good to go.
Actually, I’m getting rather excited as I realize that it’s time to stop trying to survive with insane conditions and working hours. The Lohari (aka the ’Loch Ness’) monster has grown so such proportions, that it’s not possible for one person to maintain all of it. At least while trying to be a musician, soon-to-be cage fighter and a soon-to-be author simultaneously.
Now I need resources. I need to hire people. I need to negotiate a funding. These are uncharted waters for me, and conquering new areas has become my elixir vitae as of late. ”Onwards”, said the granma walking in 12″ snow.
On dusting off and re-engaging
My father’s recent death and my ongoing beef with Kuopio University Hospital (which is still escalating, by the way), on top of the insane amount of work with zero resources, took its toll and has made it impossible for me to exercise during the past months.
Okay, no biggie. I simply need to learn from the situation, make adjustments and keep on keeping on.
One of the main reasons why I’ve thrown myself into this chaotic madness – which once used to be a somewhat regular musician’s everyday life – is to learn to use the abovementioned workaholic ”gift” as a tool. And just like martial arts; to be used only when absolutely necessary. Not the other way around; not that it burns the candle from the both ends. The goal here is me going towards a balanced lifestyle and I haven’t exactly been following that path recently.
Like mentioned, I feel like crap. Feverish and exhausted, but yet it’s the perfect situation to learn, and to APPLY the lessons learned immediately. The more hardcore things get, the more there are opportunities and changes to learn, to grow, and to confront and process unpleasant things.
I’ll wrap this up by pointing out, that although I’m very much out of shape I’m more motivated and hungry than ever. I feel I have the world by the throat, and I’m not letting go until I succeed.
And oh yeah, haven’t been reading or watching movies lately, which is yet another indicator of the fact that I’m not really focused, nor grounded. Let’s get the good momentum rolling with little baby steps. Tonight, before sleepy time, I’ll force myself to pick up a book. And I want to see Stranger Things season 2 on Netflix and go to the cinema to watch the new Blade Runner movie.
This was the ”poor me, life is hard” complaining part. In a couple of days, I’ll write the ”so what are you gonna do about it?” part in a new post, to brief you on all the changes I’ve made by then. But now I’ll call it for the day and prepare to spend a calm, quiet, and a harmonious Saturday evening in my idyllic hideout…
Good night, don’t let the bedbugs bite.
PS. Missed seeing Blade Runner 2049 on cinema, as it’s not playing in theatres around here anymore. Shoot!