(Allaoleva bloggaus suomeksi täällä.)
Greetings from KARHUNEN, INC. Manor House’s west wing.
My father’s accident last July, the following two-month struggle at the ER and eventual death interrupted my already really, really, REALLY delayed MMA challenge. Again.
But as they say: it doesn’t matter how many times we fall, as long as we always pick ourselves up one more time.
I’ll throw these too-cheesy-for-some lines from ”Rocky III” movie’s legendary song, ”Eye of the Tiger”, here as well:
”Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past
You must fight just to keep them alive”
My dream of an actual MMA fight has been delayed for years. And the fact that I still want to do this more than anything, has indeed required struggle and sacrifices in this soul-killing dystopic society of ours.
The quest towards that dream continues / begins once again and I’ll reset the day counters. One. More. Time. And this time we’ll see this through, once and for all. Whether or not I’m a hundred percent ready for a fight exactly on New Year’s Eve in twelve months is not the most important thing here. Of course that’s my goal which I seriously try to accomplish, but the main thing is, that THERE WILL BE NO MORE INTERRUPTIONS, no matter what *knocking on wood*.
I repeat: no matter what.
Even if Murphy’s law decides to keep on following me as it has for the past few years, so be it. I don’t care if this takes a decade, but I will not fool around with this darn day-counting thing anymore.
This is all about facing and overcoming childhood fears and traumas in the form of getting my face beaten to a bloody pulp inside a cage. And about encountering fears and the Jungian ”Shadow” in general. The only right way to document this upcoming eso- and exoteric metamorphosis is to be completely open, honest and transparent regarding what’s going on in the rock between my ears.
The thought of writing publicly about very sensitive private matters feels a bit scary. And that’s exactly the reason why I’ll open up and share my emotions in the upcoming year’s blog posts as much as I can. (Let this give more ammunition to the certain individuals, who I hear are having some sort of a public ad hominem insult campaign going on towards me.)
The preface is done, now let’s get to the point.
The current situation
Ever since last July (when my late father had his accident) I’ve pretty much destroyed all the small progress I made regarding my weight and cardio. At the moment I’m completely out of shape and the extra pounds have come back.
Every single day begins with a paralyzing anxiety / fear / panic attack. The reason is prolonged and chronic stress. And that stress comes from, besides from my prolonged complete poverty, my work with mentally tough subjects (such as trying to help severely ill children, terminal cancer patients et cetera) without education or support network for that kind of a job.
Another reason is the repeated, and according to my lawyer illegal actions made towards me by Kuopio University Hospital (KYS). Due to my cannabis-related profession, they have repeatedly violated my physical integrity ie. when I’ve tried to see my dying father at the ER. This illegal situation is still very much on and I get physically assaulted, even when I try to take my very ill mother for blood tests at the hospital duty.
This matter will go to court and you can follow the process via this blog, my cannabis news site Lohari.net (in Finnish, unfortunately), my re-booted cannabis podcast which moved to City.fi magazine’s office, and via Finnish mainstream media.
In a nutshell: I’ve had way too much sensory stimulus and crises on top of crises within a short period of time.
So this challenge does NOT begin with me feeling like ”Superbly motivated! Feels awesome to exercise, this challenge began perfectly from day one! #FeelingPumped #BeastModeON”. No… this is all about climbing back from the very depths of Dante’s Inferno, from the radiant Nietzschean abyss. And without the most important ingredient: the inner fire of motivation. At the moment, my over-the-top exhausted brain has capacity only to drag me do this, just for the sake of the will to go on.
This coin has its flip side, and this is the perfect way to start from a clean slate; the contrast with this moment and the upcoming December will be even more dramatic. And I know that the inner fire will begin to burn bright very soon again. Right now I’m just mentally too weak to add this Herculean task on top of my other work projects. Crazy is as crazy does.
This gave me a donkey bridge to mention the fact, that this fits in well with my new way of doing things: instead of manic obsessive work marathons, I’m now advancing in all fronts of my work life (this MMA challenge, my cannabis & patient organization profession, career as a musician and becoming a published author soon) slow but steady. Like a tank, which cannot be stopped.
I have so many things going on that I’ve had to accept, that it’s enough that each project advances slow but steady. That is good enough. And I repeat one more time: without interruptions. That’s how progress happens and manifests with basically everything: be it language studies, learning to play an instrument, at the gym… big leaps come via small steps.
First week and my own life’s The Revenant
The first week of the year went almost entirely with ”coming from the holidays” stuff and my energy was spent mostly on not immediately screwing up January’s vegan challenge. So last week I’ve mainly eaten just microwave oven vegan pizzas.
This year’s, this challenge’s and last week’s first and only ”workout” demonstrated in a horrifying way the ugly truth, that I’m truly and utterly in the worst physical shape of my entire life.
It was a short, approx. 1.3 mile run in a high snowpack in a nocturnal forest, aka to the sauna cabin by the lake and back. Even though I had a feeling that I’m seriously out of shape, I was still shocked to realize that I had to turn back halfway through. Almost immediately I was huffing and puffing like DiCaprio in his Oscar-winning (magnificent) performance.
In addition to that, my blood sugar crashed in the middle of the ”run”. I’ve gotten used to a ketogenic diet, but now with the vegan month the lack of a breakfast led me returning almost on all-fours from the pitch-black forest.
Pathetic, absolutely pathethic.
So clearly the only way is up. Well, at least I jumped out of bed immediately and ventured to the dark forest without even having my sacred morning coffee dose. While not anything to write home about, I guess that’s something…
You might not believe this, but the featured ”The Repenant: A Quest to become an MMA fighter” short film is a Hollywood version of my jog (the name is an inside joke, as one of my nick names is ’Repe’). Few of you might have guessed this if you noticed, that my face had been made resemble Leonardo DiCaptio’s features with CGI graphics.
Here’s the true story, the legendary sports performance upon which ”The Repenant” dramatization is based upon. For your maximum viewing pleasure, the video has English closed captions:
I’ve also included some Instagram posts about the close encounter I had (approx. 10 feet away) with a hungry bear, which I mention in the video. This my own life’s The Revenant happened at the beginning of February in the year of our Lord 2014, when I lived in the countryside of Sweden, at a small place called Gnesta:
Now that I’ve watched, listened and read several bear attack survivors’ stories, not to mention watching the famous scene in The Revenant on repeat, I’ve developed sort of a honey-paw phobia. This bear stuff plays a deeper role in the upcoming year’s transformation process, as this MMA craziness is a part of a larger life-change campaign. But more about all this a bit later.
First month’s plan
January is entirely dedicated to:
- Search for the lost focus
(via ie. regular meditation and yoga)
- Justice for Animals organization’s January’s vegan challenge
(which functions as a small detox)
- Waking up corpus meum with outdoor tasks such as carrying firewood and snoveling snow
(à la Rocky IV)
- Creating a solid exercise and nutrition plan for the rest of the year
- Creating a solid workflow on how to document this quest by myself
- Increasing my non-existing cardiovascular conditioning
(by heavily decreasing smoking spliffs all day long)
This was the first week’s report. More about my bum life on my Periscope broadcasts and on my YouTube channel’s upcoming show, which focuses entirely on training, nutrition, epigenetics, motivation, and of course MMA.
Have a holly jolly second week of 2018 and talk again soon!
WEEK 1, 2018
Weight at the beginning of the week: 191.1 lbs
Diet: Vegan (January’s vegan challenge)
Exercise: One pathetic The Repenant forest run